Friday, April 23, 2010

anxiety

I struggle with anxieties regarding this adoption.  I try my best to guard my heart as we already have had one "failed adoption".  I don't even know if I can call it that as we never even got to the part of submitting our paperwork to the courts.  Regardless, we had to say goodbye to a little boy we loved.  Now, I try not to think of the little girls as "ours" too much, but it is really hard not to do so!!  In my heart they are my little girls, they are named, loved, and wanted.  So, I worry about them.  And this really doesn't have to do with violence or insecurity or even corruption here.  It has to do with two little babies that aren't home yet.  I got an SMS from their foster care provider today that they are sick and please bring them antibiotics when we visit tomorrow.  (Yes, we are going up tomorrow, whoohoo!)  I'm trained as a pediatric nurse practitioner so I'll bring my "bag", but in the end, I feel pretty powerless.  I cannot bring them home yet, and I only can pray that they will okay.  In general, I am a person who loves being in control (yes, poor husband and kids :).  So, I find it so very hard to have absolutely no control over this situation.  I pray and pray, or more like send up to God my worried anxious thoughts, on a regular basis.  I remind myself that I chose adoption, and it comes with risks and worries.  I would not turn away from this path, but some days I find it very very hard.  I pray for more faith, and less anxiety.   More trust, and less doubt.

1 comment:

Heather said...

I am with you all the way, my friend! God is changing us into women of faith through this journey! I pray your visit tomorrow goes well.