As we get closer and closer to our judgement and the day we can bring the girls home, I find myself going through so many emotions. I've been trying to not put my hopes up too high, to guard my heart, until they are really ours, but that's been hard. Yet, I seem to have succeeded to some extent, because there are moments when I realize that they actually could come home in the next two weeks and I am filled with so much joy and anticipation and hope and love. I simply cannot wait to hold those two little girls and know they are finally ours! When I think about it and it really hits me that it could be happening, I can't breath for a second and I start to cry, that I will be a mom again, to these beautiful children. What a gift, what a precious gift. It is a feeling I recognize, it is the same one I feel when I look at Natalie and Isla everyday, such love and joy, that fills me full. And such humble gratitude that they God gave them to me, to us, that I get to be their mom.
Most of the time, I hold myself back, I try try try to make sure I know all the things that could go wrong (again). I can't hold back the love, I have found, but I can hold back the "reality" of them coming here and officially being our kids. And then today, it hits me again. Natalie asked, "mama, when are we going to have our babies, I really want our babies to come home." I couldn't help but cry, because I think I honestly can say, "soon, baby, soon".
And I'm bewildered all over again, by the overwhelming love of God for me, despite it all. His constant faithfulness and presence, in the good and bad, working things together.
I have two small pairs of robeez type shoes. I have put the other "baby" stuff away out of sight. But, these two little shoes I keep on my desk in my room. They are a small sign of the hope and anticipation that I am guarding well in my heart, that is yet blossoming into full faith and trust. You see, there is another small pair of shoes that were meant for a little boy that we almost called our own, that were put away the day our hearts broke when it was clear we couldn't adopt Moses. Recently, they were put into very good use by another little boy, who reminds me daily that God works things together for His good and His purpose. I may not understand it all, but I am grateful for these two pairs of new little shoes and the hope they symbolize for me today. Hope in a God that is real, and that never stops loving me, whatever the outcome. What a journey! Six months ago we were adopting a little boy, today we are adopting twin girls! It's amazing the spiritual knowing and confirmation we have felt about these little girls, it is absolutely clear to us that God has chosen them for us and us for them. It is so wonderful to feel completely at peace about this (and SO grateful that He directed us in such a clear way), we are so excited about our family of girls!