Monday, June 21, 2010
where oh death....?
I went to visit the orphanage this Saturday, but I have had a hard time wanting to write an update about the visit. That is because between this visit and the last one, a precious little baby girl died who was much loved and hoped for, by all who knew her and called her their own. Most of all she was precious in the eyes of the Lord. There is so much here that breaks my heart. I hear so many tragic stories that take my breath away, that leave me spinning, wondering how to keep believing in a God who is sovereign. It is harder still when I know who it is who has died or who is suffering. It brings the pain that much closer, that much harder to deal with, that much harder to accept, and that much harder to cling to my faith. On the one hand, I rejoice because I confidently believe that this little girl is with our Lord and is fully healed. On the other hand, I struggle with how powerless I feel here to do something. Even writing that makes me shake my head. I am not naive enough to believe that I (alone) can really do so much here. Or, that I am in control (God is in control). But it is so much more than even that, it is bigger...the big WHY? Why do so many have to suffer when there is a God in heaven, why do babies have to die, why are children orphaned, why such corruption, why do mothers die in birth, why do little ones not have enough food, why is there terror at night, and fear during the day, why are women and children treated so poorly here, why is there such violence against women and children, why, why, why....? I know there are "answers" relating to sin and peoples free will and choice, etc. But in the end, the deeper answers to these questions I firmly believe will be answered in Heaven, when we are face to face with the God and father of all. Meantime....I still cling to my faith (despite my doubts and questions), I still believe in emmanuel, "God with us", even if in some moments, in the darkness, it is only Jesus through me that is the only light (and I am such a poor vessel most of the time). And the truth is, I do believe in the resurrection, I believe this little precious girl is alive, that she lives, as Christ lives. That indeed, "where, O death, is your victory? where, O death, is your sting?...Therefore, my dear sisters and brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." (I Cor. 15:55..58)