Monday, March 25, 2013

Girl on Fire

I wrote a post a bit ago about one of our little ones and the pain she still struggles with every day (she is 3 1/2 years old and was brought home at 8 months old).  After I wrote the post, a friend reached out to me, someone who walks the same shoes that I do now.  She didn't write a lot, but what she wrote, encouraged me deeply.  She said I wasn't alone.  And that meant everything.

There are wonderful networks of parents of children that come from backgrounds of trauma all over the world.   You can't do it alone and they have figured that out.  Another set of amazing friends have been reaching out to me and trying to help me connect to one of these groups, for encouragement, for help, for support, and to maybe give me some more tools and ideas to help my little girl.  It's funny how I feel hesitant.  There are some blogs/forums I read, about those that fight so hard and courageously for their hurting children.  And I learn a lot.  But I also feel so, well guilty, that I have one little girl that struggles and I can't seem to find the patience, love, courage to help her like I should (because, well, I compare myself to those I am learning from and I think, their children are struggling even more than mine and I can't seem to figure out how to get past my frustrations and be a therapeutic parent).

The one word I could say sums up my parenting the last 1 1/2 since we have been home in the states is "humbled".  Over and over again, I fall flat on my face.  Humbled.  Over and over again, I admit that I need help and I can't do this alone.  Humbled.  Over and over again, I ask for advice and search for the  answers I don't have anymore.  Humbled.  Over and over again, I am impatient and make my little one cry in confusion.  Humbled.  Over and over again, I ask for forgiveness and the chance to try again.  Again and again and again.  Humbled.  Over and over again, I get on my knees and beg for mercy, grace, and love.  Humbled.

The friend that reached out to me, that told me I wasn't alone.  She also told me about a song.  Given that I am pretty clueless when it comes to anything that is even remotely popular or a part of, well, our everyday pop culture here in the states, I had no idea what it was.  It was a song by Alicia Keys called "Girl on Fire".  

After listening to it, I realized how much it really hit me in a deep way.  And it still does.  This weekend was a fairly trying on for our little one.  We had guests, she never had her naps, she went to bed late, we did new and different things all weekend.  Her behavior kept triggering and spiraling out of control. Last night when I was walking her around after a bad moment, trying to reach her in the place she had gone, and holding her close, I tried to keep the tears at bay.  But today, as we were driving, "Girl on Fire" came on and they fell without any attempt at stopping them, letting the pain free, giving it to God, and loving my girl on fire.   Seeing the beauty of my girl even in the pain, anger, the hurt, and the sorrow.

She's just a girl, and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world, and it's on fire
Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away

Oh, she got both feet on the ground
And she's burning it down
Oh, she got her head in the clouds
And she's not backing down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame
So bright, she can burn your eyes
Better look the other way
You can try but you'll never forget her name
She's on top of the world
Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground
And we're burning it down
Oh, got our head in the clouds
And we're not coming down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Everybody stands, as she goes by
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes
Watch her when she's lighting up the night
Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
And it's a lonely world
But she gon' let it burn, baby, burn, baby

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Oh, oh, oh...

She's just a girl, and she's on fire



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